Responding to the Other Parent's Abusive Emails

Trust is a difficult issue during litigation.  Some folks buy into a “litigation paranoia” frame of mind that causes him or her to believe that every e-mail is a set-up.  Parents have to be warned off that point of view.  A mental health professional I know told two parents, “If each of you loves your child so much, how can you not trust that the other parent will do the best for that child.”

It is very common for clients to feel that they have to respond to every email that they receive from the other parent as soon as received.  This often results in a string of emails back and forth generated with little thought and based on a reaction mode mentality.  

I tell my clients to write every email or Facebook post with the understanding that a judge is going to read it at some point.  If you don’t want the judge to read it, don’t send it.  

It is always better to slow down the process and not be reactive.  It is better to re-read and reflect on the email from the other parent and respond later if possible in a thoughtful manner and without anger.  If you are angry, wait a while before responding.  Unless a reply to the email is needed immediately, sleep on it and write a reply the next day.  If the email asks what time you will be picking up your child, answer only that part of the email and respond to the more provocative part of the email later, if at all.  Some things might not require a response at all.  Your ex’s opinion is his or her opinion only.  

To the extent the email is legitimate, one should respond to that portion that calls for a legitimate response.  As to the non-legitimate portion, you could say in the response that you choose not to respond to it.  

Another suggestion is to tell the other parent that you will respond once a day only to any and all emails, and if there is an emergency, call me.

Richard Ross
Certified Family Law Specialist

Richard Ross is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California who is a member of the Collaborative Family Law Professionals in both Ventura and Los Angeles Counties.
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